Category: Doubt

That Friend

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Do you know that friend that always has a major crisis going on in his or her life? Every time you talk, their ongoing struggles consume the conversation? And all you want to say is “Get over yourself. You have made it through worse situations and frankly, there are people with even more difficult struggles”. Well, what happens when “that friend” is you?

What happens when you are the one that feels like you are a burden to the people around you? You feel like a Debbie Downer because every time you talk to them or send them a text, it’s about yet another thing you are going through? Right now, I am “that friend”.

Since last June, I have been working with a Counselor on multiple traumas I have experienced throughout my life and although the work done and the Counselor himself are extraordinary, it is completely overwhelming and exhausting.  I get so lost in, not in reliving the trauma, but the years it has stolen from me. Years of anger, depression, oppression, bad decisions that have kept me from the truth and the promises I have been afraid to pursue.

There are mornings that the healing pushes me to pursue God’s truth and His promises for me; and then, there are mornings—like this morning—when it takes everything in me not to call out of work. When I finally willed myself out of bed, instead of putting on my face of fortitude, I didn’t have the energy to put anything on my face at all.  I wanted so bad to reach out to my friends to ask them to pray for me because the weight was too much to bear. I started typing the text, but quickly deleted it as I remembered that just a couple of days earlier I had requested prayer for another crisis that was weighing me down.

Instead of reaching out to my friends as I wanted to, I chose to turn on the Christian radio station to tune out the chatter in my head. As soon as I heard the first song come on, I knew the Lord had taken over the song selection and was my very own DJ. Song after song, I felt the burden that was weighing me down lift right off of me. Song after song, I was reminded that I was not alone.

I was reminded that instead of keeping me from God’s truth and His promises for me, anger and all of the emotions I have felt for 30 years were protecting me from even darker roads than the ones I had travelled. That when I fixed my eyes on Him, I had finally found everything I needed. He lifted my soul and opened up my eyes. He is rewriting my story and nothing could be better.

This healing journey I am on is a difficult one and I know there will be tons more of good and not so good days ahead. But as I listened to the playlist on the radio, I realized that my angst not to text my friends was not because they wouldn’t be encouraging; the angst was the Lord prompting me to reach out to Him. In my fear of being “that friend”, I was reminded that Jesus was the only friend I needed.

Pesky Gnats

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Among the several things and people I pray for, my daily prayer for years has been (in no particular order) for finances, Jake, general anxieties, and ETA of my husband. As I journaled this morning, the Lord took over my pen and wrote these words to me. My prayer is they are an encouragement to you as well:

“You don’t trust Me enough to guide your heart. Trust Me in all things. Trust Me to take care of Jake. Trust Me to protect you in the car. Trust Me to provide for you in so many more ways than food or rent. Trust Me to protect your heart and your mind. There are tons of things you covet in your mind. Help Me as we both, together, fight the thoughts that enter your mind. You are so weak mentally. There is no type of protection over your mind. The anxiety you have, the lust you allow, it is because you haven’t given Me your mind. Your husband won’t come until you give Me your mind.

I love you and the plans I have for you and your husband are wonderful! Way more grand than you could ever comprehend. I am excited for you to meet, fall in love with Me as a couple, and walk on the beautiful and hard terrain I have for you, but you need to be ready to walk that road. You need to prepare now so you won’t fall later. You are My beloved. It hurts Me when you fall, when you allow such things to control what you see and what you do. That is not of Me.

I give you desires for you to control not for them to control you. Those desires are a reminder that I have not forgotten you. But I also know a deeper desire is to follow Me, to do as I have designed for you.

Fear. That thought that just came into your mind that you aren’t good enough; that you can’t do it. See how we caught that thought like a gnat flying around? We can catch it and kill it or we just swat it enough for it to fly away for it to come back at some point. Sometimes you think you have killed it, but you weren’t even close. Don’t let the gnat or the thought of it returning distract you.

Let Me handle the gnats of your mind.”

I pray you are able to identify the gnats in your mind!

Surprise

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‘My timing is not His timing. My plans are not His plans. My ways are not His ways. My good for His Great.’ Words you keep telling yourself when you know something is coming, but you have no idea what it is.

I am a planner. I like to know that things have been thought through and planned, so I know what to expect. No surprises. Because, well, I hate surprises.

Let me elaborate. I don’t mind being surprised, but I can’t stand knowing there is one coming. If I am going to be surprised, I would prefer to be completely in the dark until it is fully revealed. I guess that is why I dislike scary movies or scary anything for that matter. I know I am going to be scared, I just don’t know when it’s coming, and that irritates the crud out of me.

I truly believe God finds this characteristic of mine amusing. Because although He is a planner as well, He does not always divulge His plans to His children. He gives us our daily bread. He wants us to depend on Him, trusting that He indeed has it all worked out. Giving us too much might make us greedy; giving us too little, would be leaving us wanting more.

Five years ago, God told me something was happening in my 40th year. That’s all He said, something. No details. No specifics. Not even a category. I already knew that my 40th year would include Jake graduating, but I knew that wasn’t going to be all.

When I first heard that message, I spent months imagining what it could be. Was I getting married? Was I moving to Guatemala? Or back to Florida? Was I getting married? (Oh, did I say that already?) I tried to find answers in everything. I was frustrated that I knew something was going to happen, but I didn’t know what.

As the years passed, the desire to know dwindled. I got busy and caught in the present that I forgot about the future, per say. Plus, it was so far off, it kind of seemed out of reach. Well, as my 40th year got closer, the anxiety and desire to know rekindled and it was stronger than ever. Jake graduated, knew where he was going to school and it was all paid for (PRAISE JESUS!!). But what about me? What was I going to do?

Well, some things worked themselves out and I ended up spending my 40th birthday back home in Florida. I spent 10 wonderful days with friends from throughout the 15 years Jake and I had lived there. Person after person asked when I was coming back. Of course, that was my desire, but I wasn’t certain if it was God’s will, so I just asked people to pray.

When I got back to Thomasville, I was renewed. Not knowing wasn’t scary anymore, it was just unnerving. I prayed and prayed. Begging for an answer. Begging for some huge revelation of the remainder of “the plan”, and it came, sort of. It wasn’t a huge revelation, but it was a huge storm. Hurricane Irma was on its way to crush my home and all I wanted was to be there with my friends. As crazy as it sounds, I wanted to weather the storm with them.

The Friday and Saturday prior to the storm hitting, I was literally sick. My anxiety was causing my body to go haywire. Then God did something amazing. He made the hurricane fall apart. As the days passed, yes, there was evidence of a storm, but there was a sense of gratefulness for God and His never-ending mercy.

After a week of anxiety, anticipating the worst storm in history, there were deep breaths and sighs of relief. I was also relieved. Relieved my friends and their homes were spared, but my anxiety had made a shift. I now knew what my next step was to be.

And this is where I am today. At the crossroad of this next step, a new chapter. I have given a “I’m leaving, but not sure when” notice at work and know that I am moving back to Florida at some point, but that is as far as I know. I am looking diligently for a job. Applying for whatever opportunity crosses my path and praying for God’s direction every step of the way. Would I like the entire plan laid out before me? Of course, but for right now I will do my best to be satisfied with the daily bread He provides and try not to get too caught up in the fact that I still, in fact, hate surprises.

But God…

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I was recently reminded that often when we are tested and tempted, it could be a sign that a reward for our faithfulness could be right around the corner. That with God and the Holy Spirit within us, there is always victory no matter how often we doubt and stumble.

She awaited the revelation, the appointed time, which spoke of the end and would not be proven false. Though it lingered, she waited for it because she knew it would certainly come and would not delay[1]. She had always prayed for falsehood and lies to be kept from her; she wanted neither poverty nor riches, but only her daily bread. Because she knew if she had too much she would disown her God. Or too little, she would steal and dishonor His name [2]. Yet she sat alone looking out the window, thinking, longing, “Surely it was for my benefit that I suffered such anguish? In Your love You kept me from the pit of destruction; You have put all my sins behind Your back”[3].

He reminded her that He knew her deeds, her love and faith, her service and perseverance, and that she was now doing more than she did at first[4]. “Do not be afraid; you will not suffer shame. You will forget the shame of your youth and remember no more the reproach; for I am your Maker, your Husband”[5]. Though once comforting, His words now seemed distant, unattainable. Knowing her heart so well, He continued, “forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you now perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland”[6].

His words reminded her that He was faithful to all of His promises and loving toward all He has made. He was near to all who called on Him[7]. That if she delighted herself in Him, He would delight in her ways and make her steps firm. Though she stumbled, He would not fail her and give her the desires of her heart[8].

In her anguish, she cried out to the Lord and He answered by setting her free[9]. She then knew that if she only put her hope in Him, her strength and her spirit would always be renewed[10]. For perhaps the reason they were separated for this short while, was that they may be together forever[11].

[1] Habakkuk 2:3
[2] Proverbs 30:8-9
[3] Isaiah 38:17
[4] Revelation 2:19
[5] Isaiah 54:4-5
[6] Isaiah 43:18-19
[7] Psalms 145:13, 18
[8] Psalms 37:4, 23-24
[9] Psalms 118:5
[10] Isaiah 40:31
[11] Philemon 15

Endurance for the Long Journey

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The promises You have laid before me, Father, have required much of me. When I first accepted this journey, I was eager and excited. As of late, the length of the journey has left me exhausted and resistant to continue.  All I see before me is an endless sea with no land in sight. Yet, I look back and You remind me how far we have traveled and it stirs my heart to continue. Your words, your love, give me comfort. I may be exhausted, unmotivated, and often plain lazy, but search my heart and know that my desire is to follow You until the ends of the earth.

In the midst of this journey, I will rest on the promises of Your Words to me:

 When hard pressed, I cried to the Lord; 
    he brought me into a spacious place. ~ Psalm 118:5

Keep falsehood and lies far from me;
    give me neither poverty nor riches,
    but give me only my daily bread.
 Otherwise, I may have too much and disown you
    and say, ‘Who is the Lord?’
Or I may become poor and steal,
    and so dishonor the name of my God. ~ Proverbs 30:8-9

I know your deeds,
     your love and faith,
     your service and perseverance,
     and that you are now doing more than you did at first. ~ Revelation 2:19

For the revelation awaits an appointed time;
    it speaks of the end
    and will not prove false.
Though it linger, wait for it;
    it will certainly come
    and will not delay. ~ Habakkuk 2:3

Forget the former things;
    do not dwell on the past.
See, I am doing a new thing!
    Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the wilderness
    and streams in the wasteland. ~ Isaiah 43:18-19

Perhaps the reason he was separated from you for a little while
     was that you might have him back forever~ Philemon 1:15

 

True Faith

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I have been hoping, waiting, and looking for God’s promises to come true, but as this revealed to me, that is not believing. It is not true faith.

Streams in the Desert – February 17

The land which I do give to them, even to the children of Israel. (Joshua 1:2 KJV)

God is speaking about something immediate in this verse. It is not something He is going to do but something He does do, at this very moment. As faith continues to speak, God continues to give. He meets you today in the present and tests your faith. As long as you are waiting, hoping, or looking, you are not believing. You may have hope or an earnest desire, but that is not faith, for “faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see” (Heb. 11:1). The command regarding believing prayer is: “Whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you received it, and it will be yours” (Mark 11:24). We are to believe that we have received – this present moment. Have we come to the point where we have met God in His everlasting now? from Joshua, by A.B. Simpson

True faith relies on God and believes before seeing. Naturally, we want some evidence that our petition is granted before we believe, but when we “live by faith” (2 Cor. 5:7), we need no evidence other than God’s Word. He has spoken, and in harmony with our faith it will be done. We will see because we have believed, and true faith sustains us in the most trying of times, even when everything around us seems to contradict God’s Word.

The psalmist said, “I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living” (Ps. 27:13). He had not yet seen the Lord’s answer to his prayer, but he was confident he would see, and his confidence sustained him.

Faith that believes it will see, will keep us from becoming discouraged. We will laugh at seemingly impossible situations while we watch with delight to see how God is going to open a path through our Red Sea. It is in these places of severe testing, with no human way out of our difficulty, that our faith grows, and is strengthened.

Dear troubled one, have you been waiting for God to work during long nights and weary days, fearing you have been forgotten? Lift up your head and begin praising Him right now for the deliverance that is on its way to you. from Life of Praise

A Glimpse

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The study was majestic. His writing desk was enormous and His chair was more like a throne. She had been in His Study before, but she was amazed every time she entered, what seemed to be a grand court. The desk did not face the door, but out towards a large bay window, which had a wide and endless view of the beauty on the other side of a thin glass pane. The sun shun brightly it illuminated the entire room. Even in the evening the moon was just so radiant; no light was ever needed. 

Not wanting to disturb Him she quietly entered the room. Her effort to be as quiet as possible was thwarted by a table which stood in her direct path. Shading her eyes from the bright sun, she did not see it until she walked into it. The sound was quite loud, but Her Father was never the kind who was bothered easily, especially at the sight of His little girl. He scooped her up His arms and placed her in His lap. Though it was an invisible bump seen only to His little girl, He tended to her “injury” for the sole purpose of having His angel on His lap once more. As she had gotten older, she discovered independence. So, moments like these were few and far between.

Loving this moment, He gave her a glimpse of what He was doing. He was writing. Writing about her. His dreams and plans for her. Everything He wanted His daughter to experience. As she read, she was amazed as what He had written. Was this really what He had planned for her? Could this truly be a glimpse into the future she will one day have? Her excitement soon became doubt. Did He know who was on His lap? The sunlight was extremely bright, so He could have easily mistaken her for another child.  Had He not already done so much for her? How could all of this possibly be for her?

Sensing her unease, He cradled her tightly and called her by name. He read aloud the words He had written. His words were soft, gentle, yet full of excitement and certainty. Although still unsure, she listened intently envisioning the words He spoke. The promise of a loving husband, children (possibly 2 little girls and a boy), a strong marriage and ministry that would change the hearts of many.

She was amazed! She could not believe He would desire such things for her. Had He forgotten what a spoiled, stubborn child she could be at times? How she often stumbled, fallen, and tarnished the gifts He had given her? The uncertainty, fear, and shame engulfed her like a crashing wave. She listened for Him to say her name once more. Once He spoke it, she felt solace in hearing it. Maybe He had written this for her. Maybe this was a glimpse into her future. Maybe He did know who she was…His precious little girl.

2 Samuel 7:18-22 – King David went in, took his place before God, and prayed: “Who am I, my Master God, and what is my family, that you have brought me to this place in life? But that’s nothing compared to what’s coming, for you’ve also spoken of my family far into the future, given me a glimpse into tomorrow, my Master God! What can I possibly say in the face of all this? You know me, Master God, just as I am. You’ve done all this not because of who I am but because of who you are—out of your very heart!—but you’ve let me in on it. “This is what makes you so great, Master God! There is none like you, no God but you, nothing to compare with what we’ve heard with our own ears.

Acts 27:25 – “I have faith in God that it will happen just as he told me.”

Unattainable

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When you have been broken, knocked down, and had battle after battle, you tend to not think much of yourself. You tend to see the promises of God for everyone else, but not for you. Yes, you are forgiven and somewhat restored, but the complete promises of God are simply unattainable. This is something I struggle with daily.

Most people are familiar with the fruits of the spirit; love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Although, I fervently pursue all of these, the two I most desire are kindness and gentleness. Yes, I could easily use a dose (or ten) of patience, but being kind and gentle have always been (in my eyes) the unattainable ones.

If you know me, you know I am quite frank and often brass in my tone. I am loud and outgoing; always laughing and “putting on a show”. I believe I lack a filter (you could even say self-control) of some sort. I am not wallflower by any means. I like to stand out, speak up, be heard. Kind and gentle are not words I would use to describe me. Although I believed these characteristics to be unattainable, my God is bigger than what I believe and I trust Him more than I believe in myself. So, I pray.

Beginning early in 2012, I was praying to grow to be gentle and kind. On my birthday that year, I received a card that encouraged me in my pursuit; I knew I also had the intercession of my friends. Just when I thought I was headed in the right direction, I would have some sort of outburst or internal dialogue that was neither gentle nor kind. My prayer everyday was that I grow to be gentle and kind. It is still one of my greatest desires.

For several months now I have been volunteering at the Alpha Women’s Resource Center as their Post-Abortion Recovery Facilitator. In between groups, I go every Tuesday to pray for the ministry with the Client Advocate Director, Teresa. During our time of conversation and prayer, Teresa and I have grown extremely close. The comfort and safety I feel with her is indescribable. I share things with her I don’t share with my oldest, closest friends. Her love for me is authentic and when she prays on my behalf, I have a sense that God is truly listening. One day after our prayer time, I burst into tears. I explained through my tears, that although appreciative of her words, I was struggling with her description of me.

The two words that Teresa often used to describe me were kind and gentle. The two very words I believed to be unattainable. I told her my prayer and desire to be kind and gentle, but felt I was nowhere near that goal. I told her I knew God could make me kind and gentle if He chose to, but I just wasn’t there yet. She smiled in her motherly kind of way and said that she believed I am kind and gentle already. She described how she often sees how kind and gentle I really am. She reassured me that my meek and soft-spoken are not the only way kindness and gentleness are expressed. Although encouraging, her words have not fully penetrated my heart. I still see kind and gentle as being meek and soft-spoken. It is something that still pray for everyday but I now have hope that what once unattainable isn’t only attainable, but also not too far from my grasp.

Shine vs. Shield

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In the Bible, when we read about a person, their name is usually followed by a description of where they are from or their trait; Jesus of Nazareth, John the Baptist, Ruth the Moabitess. Now, Jesus and John had it pretty good. Their titles were positive and had no negative connotations associated with them. Ruth’s, on the other hand, said she was a foreigner, an enemy of the Israelites.

What if we all had titles that described who we are? Some people already do. Someone with a title of  M.D. or PhD, is known to have gone to school for a long time, they have knowledge in their field and quite often are immediately respected. Anyone would be proud to have such a title. But what if our titles had nothing to do with our career or our accomplishments, but our character? What if the world gave us our title? Would you be proud of your name?

When Ruth left Moab for Bethlehem, she was known as Ruth, the Moabitess. Now, this may not mean anything to us, but in those days, her title basically said she wasn’t welcomed and wasn’t able to take part in certain freedoms. It said she would have to struggle in this land. In addition to her title, people knew she was a widow, had no family and no wealth. She was lower than low. Imagine that kind of life?

So many of us have similar struggles with our titles, but what is even worse are the traits associated with those titles. Let’s use my titles as an example. Some of the my titles are divorced, single parent, non-degreed. Traits associated with those titles are failure, damaged, used. Because of these titles and their associated character traits, my success/happiness expectancy plummets.

Now, the Biblical/Christian response to the whole “title” thing is God doesn’t see our titles or isn’t limited by the expectancy of such titles. True, but what if I said He was the one who gave us such titles and allowed such negativity to be associated with those titles? I believe this to be true and Ruth is a prime example.

Ruth’s title said that she wasn’t worth much and nothing worthwhile could ever be expected to come from her life. I believe God loved that. I believe He used it to His and Ruth’s advantage. Because He knew that when He turned Ruth’s life around by allowing her to marry Boaz,which in turn included her in the lineage of Jesus, it all could only be attributed to His divinity! No one would have ever seen that coming! God proved her title and the character traits associated with it did not determine nor described her future.

What if the same is for you? What if the title of weak, fearful, failure, lost, damaged, or used may be the truth for your past, but not the truth for your future? What if the titles you have been given or given yourself, make His promises and victories for you only that much sweeter? What if instead of holding you back, your title is actually what God is using to  push you forward? What if instead of hiding behind your title, you stood in front of it proud of how God is and will continue to shine through it?

Impressive

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“You want me to what? I don’t think I can do that.”

Why not?

“Well, that would be so pretentious of me.”

Even if I asked you to do it?

“It’s just so uncomfortable for me to brag on myself. I don’t think I am anything spectacular or impressive. You want to list my faults, I will give you a head start and even finish it off with some things you left out. I can do that no problem.”

Look at your wrist…

“My what?”

Your wrist. Do you see that?

“You mean my tattoo?”

Exactly! What does that verse  say?

“I know your deeds, your love and faith, your service and perseverance, and that you are now doing more than you did at first.” (Revelation 2:19 NIV)

You say that with such little emotion. I don’t think you get it, so let me say it a little differently…I see everything you’re doing for me. Impressive! The love and the faith, the service and persistence. Yes, very impressive! You get better at it every day (Revelation 2:19 MSG). This isn’t a ho-hum verse, be excited because I AM excited! Be impressed, because I AM impressed!!

“I don’t know. I just keep thinking ‘less of me, more of You’.”

I don’t think you get that saying either. Think less of yourself as in status not value. Just because you think less of yourself doesn’t make you any less.

“Huh!’

I see a light bulb going off.

“I guess I just always thought if I said anything good about myself, then I would come across as conceited.”

There is a thin line, but you can boast about yourself and how far we’ve come. You can boast on the gifts I have given you and rejoice in the promises I have for you. That is not a sin. Plus, if you are boasting on the things I have done in your life, it doesn’t matter how it is perceived by others…Now, can you brag on yourself for me?

“Let’s see…there’s so much, I don’t even know where to start…” 🙂