If you have read any of my posts, you may have come to the conclusion that I am insecure and riddled with fear. Fear of my unworthiness, fear of success, fear of being found out to be the fraud I am (that is another subject for another day).
As a woman after God’s heart, my deepest desire is to do what God has called me to do, but my biggest fear is that if I do that which He has written on my heart, He will realize the mistake He has made in choosing me for such a calling.
Being a good mom, owning a home, writing books, being a speaker, leading Bible studies are just a few of the promises He has placed on my heart…some which He has spoken for many, many years. But because of my fear to be “found out”, I have been disobedient in all of these. And boy, has my fear and disobedience really ticked me off as of late.
I have been so mad, that my prayers are me yelling in anger. Please know that I am not yelling at God because I am mad at Him, but I am yelling because I am mad at myself. How can I let lies manipulate me into believing them instead of the Creator of the Universe? The Author of my story?
I am getting mad all over again just writing this, so I better move on to the chatterbox part…
The Bible talks about righteous anger. It says in Ephesians 4:26 “to be angry, yet not sin”. God has been showing me that the anger within me, is indeed, righteous anger. I am not angry with the intention to sin, but the intention to make myself better—more more like the One my heart adores!
In His infinite wisdom, God knows I (along with most of humankind) do much better in community. So, He has placed two amazing women to help me along the way; one in Florida and one in Kansas! They do not know each other and it is only because of my job, that I know them. The most interesting part of these two God-ordained friendships is that I have not met either of them in person. Text, phone calls, Zoom has been our mode of communication and yet I love them dearly; and there is no doubt God has hand-picked them to be His voice box in this season of my life.
In the past week, when my righteous anger has been at its peak, both women have spoken truth into my life. They have given me truth in Scripture, empathy, and love. Yet, neither has held back any punches…and if you know me, you know that is my kind friendship. Give it to me in love, but give it to me straight.
Because of them speaking truth into my life, I have been reminded that I am made in the image of God, the blood shed by Jesus covers ALL of my sin, and most importantly there isn’t anything He doesn’t know about me. In fact, He knows things about me that I don’t even know about me. Yikes!
And just because He can, God made sure I heard Him one more time during this morning’s sermon. The sermon title was “Big Promises” and it basically reminded me that “I may be nobody, but the One who holds me is Somebody” and He can and will use me, not in spite of my weakness, but because of it.
I am not sure what God’s intention is or even if there is someone that can relate to this rambling of mine, but the one thing I know for sure is that all of the Lord’s chattering has gotten me to do the one thing I have been afraid to do…write!