I have scars! Some you can see, some you can’t. Some I will let you see, some I don’t even want to see myself, but no matter what, they will always be there. No matter how much I try to overlook them, at some point, someone will ask and I will have to retell how that scar came to be.

There are some scars, that I can tell the story over and over again. Despite the pain associated with the scar, I find joy in telling the story. Other scars, which I thought had faded and become unseen to the naked eye, are still quite visible to some and in reality quite difficult to retell even if I have fully dealt with them.

This is the part where I tell you that Jesus’ blood has covered all of my sins and if I have truly repented and given my sin to Him, I have been forgiven and He has chosen to forget them. As much as I do believe that, my issue isn’t with God and His forgiveness. My issue isn’t even with my scars and whether they are seen or not. My issue is with the devil and the lies he places in people’s heads when they see my scars.  How do I not just say “it’s their loss” and move on?

I have friends and loved ones who encourage me by saying “once people get to know you, they will not see the scars anymore” or “it doesn’t matter what they see, only what God sees.” All good and very valid points, but what happens when those scars sever relationships that were once very strong or prevent future relationships from developing?

How do I help them see my battle scars not only as reminders of what I have done, but how far my Savior has brought me? How no matter how bruised and scarred I am, I am beautiful and blameless in His eyes? How His Blood covers ALL sin and what they consider to be deal breakers have, in fact, become game changers in His eyes?

If I am forgiven because of the blood Christ shed, why do I need to re-hatch such a painful topic? This is a question I hear alot when people ask the point of the post-abortion Bible Study I facilitate…I do believe that once we confess our sins and repent from them, we are forgiven. However, if the sin has caused extensive damage in our life, it needs to be dealt with.

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) often happens when someone has experienced something…well, traumatic. We commonly hear it in regard to the brave men and women who return home from war, but there are other causes of PTSD. For example, Jake and I were in a car accident a few years ago and still have moments when driving scares me. If I feel a car is too close, I panic a bit. This fear can be referred to PTSD.

In the same manner, someone who has chosen abortion, can also suffer from PTSD. Some common symptoms of PTSD after an abortion are nightmares or flashbacks about the abortion, avoidance of places, people and things that remind them of the abortion, fear that their life may be short, lost interest in things they used to love, trouble sleeping, anger and irritability. The list can go on and on. In addition to those symptoms, women often chose to hide their shame and guilt by numbing it with either drugs, alcohol or sex. Whatever the case may be, just because we have been forgiven by the blood of Christ doesn’t make all of these “symptoms” go away. In comes in a Bible Study like the one I facilitate. It is called Surrendering the Secret.

This past week, I began facilitating my third Surrendering the Secret Bible Study and I am excited to see how the Lord works in these beautiful ladies. I have no doubt the enemy is shivering because of their first step toward freedom! It thrills me to know that 3 more ladies will soon experience how to claim this life changing choice and allow the Lord to restore and even use it to help heal others!

With something as traumatic as an abortion, we not only need to be obedient and seek God’s forgiveness from our sin, we need to seek Him to restore anything we might have damaged or lost in the process of hiding our secret. We need to allow Him to search and expose anything within us, that keeps us from fully experiencing His love and purpose for us.

I ask you to please pray for these lovely ladies! Lift them up every moment you remember. We may meet only once a week, but the journey is a daily choice and they will need your prayers and intercession to complete it!

Consuming love. The kind of love that is overpowering. Sometimes you can’t even breathe, but yet you want more. You don’t want it to end. “Don’t go! Just one more moment!” We plea! “Just stay with me a few more minutes, Please?”

We know that this consuming feeling is fleeing because of our humanness, so we try to hold on to every moment. The sun shines brighter, the birds sing more beautifully, colors are more vibrant and the breeze is just…relaxing! “Can I just be in Your arms for one more moment? I never want You to let me go!”

I’ve prayed for this love. To feel like this. Jealous of others who had it. So, jealous I felt “less than” because I didn’t have it. But You have been there, waiting…calling, hoping for me to notice You. To fall madly, deeply, wholly! To not only, enjoy the gifts, but to enjoy the Giver!

My veil has been lifted! I see my Groom and I am eager to be His…fully, completely! I know I don’t deserve any of this, but yet I stand on my tiptoes, yelling, craving “Is there more than this?” And my Groom, my Savior, my Lord says “Oh, yes, my love! There is more!”

When the people of the land come before the LORD at the appointed festivals, whoever enters by the north gate to worship is to go out the south gate; and whoever enters by the south gate is to go out the north gate. No one is to return through the gate by which they entered, but each is to go out the opposite gate. Ezekiel 46:9

When we go to the Lord, we never come out the same way we went in. My changed heart is a prime example:

If you know my story, you know where I have come from and although freed from some of that bondage, I still struggle with the many lies associated with them. The very truth I try to minister to those who share a similar past as mine, I often don’t believe it to be true for me: The Lord can fully restore and provide the desires of your heart despite your past! I felt like Moses in a sense; I can lead the Israelites to the Promised Land, but never get to fully experience it myself. As the Lord changes my heart, I can see that, unlike Moses, I will see my Promised Land one day!

I can be candid and say that I have never (I mean never) been in a relationship and been so in love with my Savior. Never did I think I could continue to strive to be the Godly woman God created me to be and still remain pure in heart, mind, body and soul. I often associated this with the men I dated. Yes, they did nothing to bring me closer to God, but I was the one who allowed them into my life in the first place. So, by choosing to date men that were not walking with the Lord (some may say “equally yoked”), the Lord was never front and center as He should be.

However, when you date someone who loves the Lord and encourages and supports your love for the Lord, not only do you grow closer to the Lord, but dating becomes a completely different experience. You are not a different person, but in many ways, it enhances who you are and the degree of love you have for the Lord. You experience God’s love through this person’s words and actions! If you haven’t noticed, I recently began dating someone and, no, I am not hearing wedding bells, but I am experiencing God’s love for me in such tangible ways that only a person who loves the Lord as much (if not more) could ever communicate.

As we walk in obedience and look to the Lord more and more, our hearts change. We begin to see how God sees us. This changes our behaviors and the people we allow into our lives; people (dating or not) who bring us closer to our True Love, not distract us from Him. As a result, we ALL will reach the Promised Land, whether it involves a wedding dress or not!!